F *** Buddies
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Note: For Angel his demon thoughts are surrounded
by **asterisks**, while the soul’s thoughts are italicized. Everyone else’s thoughts are italicized.
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Chapter 1
As slow days went, and we’re talking a full
twenty-four hour span, this one was at least a seventy-two hour
snore-o-rama. Time dragged so slowly,
Cordy thought she’d been sucked into another dimension where clocks ran on
turtle time.
She had so little to do that she was able to
read every sexual advice article in every magazine she had five times
already. She tortured herself by reading
about sex because it was better than forgetting what it was completely. It had been over two years since she’d had
any, and she was officially a virgin again - according to all the magazines
anyway. That thought brought her absolutely
no comfort.
But the story that she kept going back to
was the one in Cosmo by a woman who had a great sex life with her best
friend. It sounded so nice and
logical. Sex with a friend had to be
better than none at all. Admitting that
a ghost with a loofah just wasn’t as satisfying as a living, breathing, sweaty
body was the first step in her sexual healing.
The next step would be finding the right friend.
“Angel...”
He was sitting at the counter filling in
notes on some recently closed cases.
Currently he was the only one there with her. Wesley had a date as ironic as that was to
her, Fred was in her room writing some tome about nose hair, and Gunn was
spending the slow night back with his gang for a change. Lorne had a client in El Segundo, so he’d be
gone for awhile. It was just Cordy and
no bone.
“Hmmmm?”
He didn’t bother turning around, trying not to lose his place in his
notes.
“Have you ever...ummm...” Oh!
Stupid question. “No,
nothing. Forget it.”
Angel put down his pen and slid around in
his chair irritated. “Don’t do that,
Cordy. You know I hate it when you start
to ask a question and then don’t. It
drives me nuts.”
“Well, I stopped because I figured out the
answer myself, so there’s no use asking.” Cordy kept her eyes glued to the
magazine in her hand, absentmindedly flipping pages without reading them.
“Ask anyway because now I have to know what
it was. I can always torture it out of
you. Remember me? Scourge?”
He dramatically folded his arms across his chest in a mock threat.
Cordy got up and walked around the counter
to the coffee table to get another magazine throwing her response over her
shoulder. “It’s stupid really. I just wondered if you’d ever had....a fuck
buddy. That’s all. But then I realized, duh! Darla!
So it was stupid to ask.”
“What exactly is a... Did you just say fuck buddy?” Angel jerked out of his chair and turned his
right ear toward Cordelia suggesting that his hearing must be failing him.
“Yeah, that’s right. Fuck buddy.”
She retrieved a new magazine and turned back to see him staring at here
in disbelief and possibly embarrassment.
“Oh, c’mon! You know. You’re not that culturally deficient.”
“I guess I must be, because I don’t
know.” To Cordelia he looked less like
someone uninformed and more like someone who knew the exact details of everything
she could possibly think of regarding the uses of a fuck buddy.
“You’re just messing with me. You definitely know so just stop playing
me.” The way he was staring at her with
that wide-eyed disbelief made her feel very uncomfortable as if she’d just said
‘fuck’ in front of a five-year old preacher’s daughter.
“I really don’t know. I can maybe guess, but I hate guessing and
being wrong because then you make fun of my stupidity. So please just tell me.”
“I don’t make fun of you. I just enjoy hearing a 250-year-old fart
trying to make sense of modern slang and seeing how your mind works. It’s interesting and entertaining. I laughed for days about your definition of
‘gettin’ jiggy with it’.” The memory of
him struggling to understand why anyone would want to ‘get with’ an Irish dance
that wasn’t that popular even in his day was a priceless memory.
“I’m glad I amuse you. Now stop stalling and just tell me what a
fuck buddy is.”
Angel was becoming increasingly
frustrated. The longer she refused to
just explain what she meant, the more his interest was peaked. The reason for that extreme interest was in
no small part because of the person talking about it.
He hadn’t really allowed himself to think of
Cordelia as a sexual object for many reasons.
There was Buffy, and the curse issue, and just the fact that he truly
loved her as a friend. The first and
only female friend he’d ever had, and that was new and different. He could have sex with anybody, but a friend
like this was rare.
But watching her shapely form glide around
the counter and gracefully sit at her desk again as she casually spoke about
having sex with a friend, he couldn’t keep his mind out of that gutter.
“A fuck buddy is just like it sounds. A buddy, or friend if you will, with whom you
have sex for fun. No strings. You’re free, she’s free so you hook up for a
while because you’re both horny and you know it’s safe. No chance of hurt feelings because no
romantic love is involved.”
“Well, by that definition then, Darla was
definitely NOT a fuck buddy. We weren’t
friends and there was absolutely nothing safe about it. And there were miles of strings.” He really wished she hadn’t brought up
Darla. He was beginning to have a good
relationship with Cordy again, and he didn’t even like her remembering Darla
existed much less talking about her.
He noticed that Cordy seemed to visibly
relax after his assurance of Darla as anything but a buddy and that lifted some small measure of guilt from her
mention.
“Oh, well, I put her in the FB category
because you weren’t in love or anything,” she said.
“Well you can just take her out. I don’t want Darla in any category. And since I never really had any female
friends until you, I guess I’ve never had a fuck buddy. How about you?”
Angel was pleased at how this conversation
was going. He didn’t really know much
about Cordy’s sex life. He knew Xander
had been her boyfriend in high school, and he’d met a few of the guys she’d
dated, but other than that her sexual conquests were a mystery.
Unfortunately as his interest increased,
Cordy appeared to want to forget about
it. She had picked up the magazine she’d
gotten from the table and was flipping through it nonchalantly.
“Me?
No. It’s never been an option for
me. I mean all the guys I’ve known were
always just sniffing around to have sex.
They weren’t interested in being friends. I mean until you guys.”
Well, that didn’t tell him much. Did that mean she’d had a lot of sex or did
she shoot all the sniffing suitors down? If it wasn’t for the whole Wilson
Determined to find out more for no reason he
could consciously fathom, he decided to keep pushing. “So...uh...why did you ask me about this?”
Angel could tell she was nervous discussing
this which only made him more curious.
She was trying to feign interest in an article, but the pages shook
slightly in her trembling hands. “Oh, I
was just wondering what it was like to have one. Ya know, was it fun? Did it really work out okay? Could you really do it without getting all
emotiony.”
“And why would you want to know? I mean are you thinking about asking someone
to do this?” Could Cordelia really be
considering this as an option? And with
him? The demon in Angel was salivating
at the prospect of sex with that body.
The soul was more cautious but strangely not averse to the idea.
“No!
Geez, who would I... No! Well, maybe.
I’m just so damn...frustrated.”
She slammed down the magazine.
Suddenly she seemed to realize what she’d just said. Her eyes grew huge
and her cheeks were aflame with embarrassment.
She stood and started pacing appearing like a trapped racehorse ready to
bolt from the gate.
Angel watched his nervous friend still a bit
shocked and sharing some of her embarrassment at her confession, but that light
of interest that flickered moments earlier was becoming a pretty warm burn in
his chest.
Cordy finally spoke quickly and without
breathing. Never looking at Angel, she
seemed to be speaking more to herself or that funny looking spot shaped like a
ferret on the floor. “I don’t ever meet
anyone that I can actually date, and even if I did, who would put up with all
the crap we face every day? So, I’m
thinkin’ maybe a fuck buddy isn’t a bad idea.”
“So, uh, who were you thinking of
asking?” He tried to get her to look at
him, but she continued to avoid his face at all costs.
**Get in there, soul boy. Strut your stuff. You know you want it. Look at those plump tits just begging to be
sucked dry.**
Dammit, shut up, shut up. This is Cordelia, not a tavern wench. Have some respect.
“Well, it’s kind of a tough choice. There’s Gunn, of course. But, I don’t know... I mean I love him and all, but we just don’t
have a lot in common really and I think maybe I’d like to be able to converse
with the guy sometimes. Then there’s
Wes, but with our history I’m afraid he might get clingy. You know, want to cross the line of
friendship, and I just can’t see it. So
I was thinking....”
**This is it. Don’t act too anxious. Make her beg.**
Like I haven’t done this before. I said shut up.
“Maybe I’d give David Nabbit a call.”
**You’re such a
prick. She’d do a pathetic nerd before
you. I’m embarrassed to be your
demon.**
“David Nabbit?!? He’s not even a real friend. I mean he’s barely an acquaintance. Oh!
And he’s a client, so he’s completely out of the competition.” Angel was livid at himself for being upset by
her choice and at her for not asking him.
Way to be wishy washy.
“But he’s so sweet and lonely and there’s
definitely no chance of me falling for him.
Unless he flashes a lot of
money in my face or buys me tons of clothes and jewelry and it all comes
wrapped in shiny new personality transplant.
I wonder if those are expensive?”
Angel ignored her yammering about money and
clothes knowing how little that really mattered to her. “But there’s every chance of him falling for
you. He’d have his jet fueled and headed
for
“Really?
You think so? I never got the
impression he was attracted to me?”
“Trust me, Cordy. Vampire here.
I can hear his heart race and sense...other things...when he’s around
you.”
**The little perv.**
“What other things? Oh.
OH! And ewwwww! Well, damn.
He was my last - well really my only - hope.” Angel could see the dream crumble on her
face. She plopped down in her chair
giving up.
**Here’s your chance moron. Grab her and show her what a real fuck buddy
is.**
She doesn’t want me. She didn’t even mention me.
**Call me when you get your balls back. I’ll
do it.**
“What about me?!? Aren’t I your friend?”
Jesus, just keep your fuckin’ mind out of my
mouth.
Cordy’s mouth gaped and he’d finally
succeeded in getting her full attention.
“You’d be willing to... No, that
would just be too weird. Oh! And there’s the curse. And don’t even say I couldn’t give you
perfect bliss, mister, if you want to remain stakeless.”
“I’m sorry, Cordy, but you couldn’t give me
perfect bliss. Nobody can.” Again, not lying. He was sure of this.
“Hello.
Buffy. Remember? Buffy...boffo...poofo Angelus?”
“Not even with Buffy now. I didn’t know about the perfect bliss clause
when I slept with her. Now I do know and
I can never forget that. I can never
lose complete control now because I know what that means.”
“Are you sure? I mean have tested that little theory
out? And if that’s true, why haven’t you
gone back to be with Buffy?”
Cordelia’s mind was racing at this new
information. Could this really be true? He
was always the one and only man in the world I could definitely not have sex
with. And now, all of a sudden, he’ s
eligible? Hmmm...he does have a great
body for a corpse. Ewww. Don’t think about that!
“I haven’t gone back to Buffy because we
just don’t belong together. When I went
to see her after she returned, it was obvious how much we’d both changed. We agreed that our lives were too different
to include each other in them except as friends. And if you’re asking me if I’ve had sex since
Buffy, the answer is, yes, I have. And
obviously, no Angelus.”
**That’s what you think. I might have to pop out for a visit if you
get any of that ass.**
Shooting up from her seat, her hands
automatically grabbed her hips in a challenge.
“With who? When? And why would you risk losing your soul with
some skanky ho and possibly kill us all?
Is it that hard to keep it in your pants?”
“First, it’s none of your business who. Secondly, I wasn’t risking anything because,
like I said, I never forget the curse.
Thirdly, it’s kinda hard, yeah.”
**Nice entendre but you need to bring out
the big sword here.**
Her emotions were bouncing off the
walls. Angel’s had sex? How did I miss that and why do I care so
much? “Well I’m shocked. I can’t
believe all this time, you... And I
thought... Well it doesn’t matter
anyway, because we couldn’t do it.”
“Why not?” Angel asked,
Cordelia relaxed her arms and let them brush
casually against her thighs as she walked around her desk oozing
sensuality. She stopped at the end and
slid back onto the desktop using her hands’ grip on the edge to support her
weight. As her butt wiggled into place,
her upper arms squeezed her breasts as she leaned forward giving Angel a very
nice view of her ample cleavage.
“Angel, you’re my best friend which means
we’re already very close. And if you
ever got a taste of this, there is no way you couldn’t fall in love with
me.” She lazily crossed her legs,
allowing Angel a glimpse beneath her short, short skirt for emphasis.
**Ooo, baby, that was the wrong thing to say
to me.**
And to me.
Now shut up. I’ll handle this.
Angel was up and standing over her in an
instant, dangerously close to invading her personal space. “Hah!!
Now that’s funny. If anyone would
fall in love with anyone, it would be you...with me. I’ve got about 230 years more experience in
the sex department than you, and what I could do to your body would have you
begging me to marry you within a week.
Probably sooner!”
**What the fuck? What’s up with the ‘m’ word? Are you trying to make me sick?**
Is this idiot for real? Marry him?
Pfft! “Please. As if!” She pushed him out of her way and stormed
into the lounge area. “You’re such an
ego maniacal jerk. Just because you’ve
lived longer doesn’t mean you know how to please a woman. You may know how to make a woman scream, but
that doesn’t necessarily mean you do quality work. I, on the other hand, have all the
instincts. I know just what it takes to
make a man melt in my hands.”
Angel stalked her slowly, tilting his head
down so his heavy brow made his eyes seem to be squinting. “Melting is not what you want a man to do in
your hands. If that’s what’s been
happening on your dates, no wonder you’re still single.”
**Ooo, that’s gotta hurt. I’m such a proud demon right now.**
The air was thick with the steam pouring out
of Cordelia’s head. Cordy, don’t do
something stupid. Calm down for Pete’s
sake. Count to ten. One, two, three… ah, the hell with it! I’m going to nail his ass to the wall.
“That’s it, buddy! Fuck buddy, that is. Nobody questions my ability to make a man
squeal without paying the price. I’ll
have you eating out of my hands and screaming my name in your sleep within a
week!” She jabbed her finger in his
chest to accentuate every point.
“Are you daring me?” Please be daring me.
“No, dumb ass. I’m betting you. I’m betting you that we can’t be fuck buddies
for more than one week before you fall helplessly and hopelessly in love with
me.” Cordy stood fast crossing her arms
in a gesture of confidence and defiance.
“And what’s the bet? If you fall in love with me, what do I
win?” Not to be out-defied, he crossed
his arms.
“Well, stupid, ME, of course. But if for some bizarre reason known only to
Kreskin you wouldn’t want me, then I’ll...I’ll...Oh! I’ll clean and polish every weapon in this
place for a year. What do I get if you
fall in love with me?”
“Trust me, you wouldn’t need another thing
in your life if that happened, but I’ll go shopping with you once a month and
buy you one article of clothing each time.”
Why did I say shopping? I hate
shopping.
**Then I guess you’d better win. No worries.
I’ll take over from here.**
“Deal.”
Cordy shoved out her hand and Angel grabbed it.
“Deal.”
They shook and sealed their mutual fate.
“But how are we going to prove who wins?”
“It’ll just have to be on the honor system,”
she said. “The moment you know you’re in
love with me, you’ll just have to tell me.
Anyway, I can read you like a bad Whedon script. I know crap when I see it.”
“No, no way.
I know you, too, Cordelia. You
would never admit it. You’d take it to
your grave before you let me win.
Huh-uh. There’s got to be another
way.”
“What other way? Celebrity judges?”
“Lorne!!
At the end of the week, we’ll both sing for Lorne and he’ll tell us who
won. And no arguments with the
results. Whatever he says goes. Agreed?”
“That’s fair. Agreed.”
Cordelia took his hand and started for the stairs dragging him
behind. “Now move your ancient ass.”
“Where are we going?”
“To your room, of course. And you’d better be naked before I get
there.”
Angel let go of her hand and sprinted up the
stairs leaving Cordy standing there, hands on her hips.
Oh, lord.
What have I done?
“Well, too late now. That boy doesn’t have a chance. I almost feel sorry for him. Dork.”
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Chapter 2
Once Angel reached his room, he immediately
shed his shirt, but stopped dead in his dead tracks.
**Oh, no!
You are NOT going into sensitive girly man mode now. You are fucking that girl and you are going
to fuck her brains out. Got it?**
“What do you know? I’m just considering the consequences. That’s not girly. That’s smart.” He paced back and forth in front of his bed
as he weighed his options here.
**Smart, schmart. Stop thinking. It’s sex!!
Remember that? Hot, wet, hard,
pounding, grunting, growling fun for a girl and boy?**
He stopped and talked to the ceiling as if
that’s where Angelus always hung out.
“Hey! It hasn’t been that
long. I have sex.”
**I’m not talking about jacking off to your
mamby, pamby Elizabeth Taylor fantasies.
And, by the way, have you seen her lately? She’s really old now. Maybe you should update your fantasy fuck
file for my sake?**
“I’ll take that under advisement. Any requests?”
**We haven’t done a red head in a while or
maybe a Nubian nymph. Hey! Who the fuck cares about the fantasy when
you’ve got the real thing coming up those steps? When was the last time you stuck that prick
into some REAL pussy? I’ll tell
you. The Buffster. Three years ago. And to be honest, she just wasn’t a good
enough lay to last three years.**
His demon was right. The real thing was almost at his door and he
was totally freaked about what to do about it.
He had to figure out what to do next, so he kept arguing with himself to
reason it out.
“Well, there was Darla and the Furies. And Buffy was a virgin. That counts for something.”
**Oh, yeah.
Virgins. Big whoop. Pop ‘em and then what? They lay there like dead fish and make you do
all the work. Highly overrated. And the rest?
Dead, dead and can we say more dead?
What are you, a necrophiliac now?
Because that’s just sick.**
“Darla was your dead bitch, remember?”
** Darla was my sire. I had to fuck her.